KNOCK! KNOCK! AND COLLAPSE.

THERE WAS A LOUD KNOCKING ON A DOOR. I SPASMED INTO A REVERSE ARCH. MY LEFT LEG TWISTED. I FELL ASLEEP REPEATEDLY IN THE FOLLOWING HOURS.

I DID NOT KNOW IT WAS THE SAMSUNG R5 SOUND BAR. I THOUGHT IT WAS REAL.

I HAVE SPECULATED ABOUT WHY I MIGHT HAVE BECOME MORE DISABLED WITHOUT INJURING MYSELF. THE REAL ARRIVAL OF POLICE, OR THE THREAT OF THE CREATION OF THAT, HAS CAUSED ME TO COLLAPSE IN THE PAST.

THIS LEADS BACK TO CHILDHOOD ASSAULTS BY MY MOTHER, WHERE I WAS WRENCHED DOWN TO THE GROUND BY MY HAIR, BENDING MY BACK INTO A REVERSE ARCH, TWISTING MY NECK AND COLLAPSING MY LEFT LEG TO DO IT.

I STILL HAVE THE SAME REACTION WHEN I THINK I HAVE THE POLICE TRYING TO GET INTO MY HOUSE AND AT ME.

PAUL WHELAN SAID THE MOST TERRIFYING PART OF STATE OPPRESSION WAS WAITING FOR THE RUSSIAN POLICE TO ARRIVE. 

I WILL HAVE TO OBSERVE WHAT IS GOING ON EVERY TIME I HEAR SOUNDS IN MY DRIVEWAY. I LOOK OUT MY WINDOW AND I HAVE
MEMORIES OF LOOKING OUT TO SEE THAT THE POLICE WERE HERE.

 

I AM PRETTY SURE THAT NO ONE KNOWS HOW DISENABLING MY DISABILITY IS.

I STRUGGLE TO JUST KEEP UP WITH BASIC HOUSEHOLD MAINTENANCE AND TO DO MY DISHES AND ALL OF MY YEAR'S LAUNDRY IN THE SUMMER. I ALSO GROW A SELF SUPPLY, BUT THAT IS IT. I CAN DO NO MORE BETWEEN BOUTS OF HAVING TO LAY DOWN.

TODAY IS WORSE THAN THAT. POSSIBLY BECAUSE I WORKED LATELY AT MY SELF SUPPLY I AM SO PARALYZED TODAY THAT I CAN NOT EVEN SO MY DISHES.

I DO NOT THINK ANYONE, NOT EVEN DOCTORS, REALLY BELIEVES ME WHEN I SAY "I AM VIRTUALLY PARALYZED."

HERE I AM, SIMILARLY DISABLED TO WHAT I WAS IN 1970

I JUST CAN NOT MOVE WITHOUT IT BEING AN EXTREME EFFORT OF WILL AND I CAN NOT WAIT TO LAY DOWN ALL THROUGH IT.  

I HAVE HOPED FOR THIS FOR YEARS.

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I FORCED MYSELF TO DO MY SLASH THREE DAYS AGO AND I AM GOING THROUGH THAT FOUR DAYS OF VIRTUAL PARALYSIS AFTER AN HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES OF WORK. I HAVE DONE NOTHING ELSE TO CAUSE THIS SITUATION WHERE IT IS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO MOVE NOR TO GO ANYWHERE.

I CAN NOT EVEN SIT AND TYPE ANY MORE.

I SEE MANY JOBS I MUST DO AND I DO TRULY WONDER: HOW WILL I DO ANY OF THESE JOBS I HAVE TO DO?

THIS IS WHAT DISABLED AS I AM IS LIKE, I JUST CANNOT DO ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR A FEW THINGS LIKE SITTING TYPING, BUT NOTHING FOR VERY LONG. ALMOST ALL OF THE JOBS I NEED TO GET DONE ARE TOO ARDUOUS OR THEY TAKE TOO LONG.